Smart phones aren’t all that smart

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I don’t know about you, but my email inbox has been inundated with advertisements for Apple’s latest iPhone XS.

These messages — which seem to hit my email numerous times each day — claim fans are literally counting down the minutes until its release.

Thing is, not one of these ads depicts the details, the fine print nor the price of this presumably must-have accessory.

We’ve all heard that this mechanism is usually coined as a smart phone. The question is, is it really as smart as the engineers and designers claim?

Imbued with all the applications accessible, you’d think we should never experience technical hiccups, right? Well, maybe not so, if my alleged smart phone is any indication. It began exhibiting kinks and quirks soon after its purchase.

Aside from shattering its colored touchscreen display (not once, but twice), this phone I refer to as “Helen,” has certainly tried my patience.

She certainly has a mind of her own.

Repeatedly trying to prove who is boss, Helen has performed dozens of functions — with absolutely no human intervention. Helen, with her late-night antics, left me horrified by her shenanigans.

Imagine my surprise when I would awaken to Helen going through her diagnostics during the middle of the night.

Imagine my horror when I received texts and messages from unsuspecting friends Helen had dialed up — often at 2 or 3 in the morning — without my knowledge.

Imagine my disbelief when I would awaken to find this bizarre smart phone playing Words with Friends while keying in such entries as “zxr3ef&$6” as words.

Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered Helen had decided to phone my friend, Anne, at 4:30 a.m. Returning her call soon after, well, Helen left a lot of explaining in her wake.

Imagine evenings when I’d glance over to see Helen’s screen flashing in colors like a menagerie — switching from apps quicker than I could grab the phone and shut her down.

Technical support folks speculated that Helen had been infected by some type of malware. Others suggested her mischief stemmed from an excessively low battery capacity. Still other staffers thought the possessed phone was the result of a faulty digitizer.

After getting no resolution from tech support, I took this perplexing situation to social media. Aha!

It was there that a friend, Carol, had recently found herself in a similar predicament. Who knew it would be so common? Thanks to Carol’s suggestion, I disabled the Bluetooth feature on my cell just as she recommended.

Would you believe that, after weeks of this agonizing plight, Helen’s self-directed antics came to an immediate halt? That is correct — the cellphone no longer opened apps instantaneously, it stopped all awkward, late night calls, it no longer attempted to open up new online games, and discontinued all inexplicably embarrassing group texts.

After enduring such an excruciatingly horrific situation, I’ve concluded that I have no desire in upgrading to the latest iPhone XS. I’ve realized that smart phones aren’t necessarily as intelligent as they are perceived, and I now attest that the Bluetooth feature will never, ever be reactivated on my cell. Sorry, Helen.

Kim Lambert is a former reporter with The Daily Record and former editor of The Angier Independent.

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