A few weeks back, I wrote about going baseball bat shopping with my mom when I returned from a mini vacation. As luck would have it, I never made it to get mom a bat, but thanks to the kindness of a loyal reader, my mother has a nice, state of the art, aluminum Louisville Slugger to defend herself with. Many thanks for the kind jester and many more thanks for reading each week.
Now that mom has a bat beside the washing machine I can rest a little easier and focus on the mental health of Jane Fonda.
In case you missed it, Hanoi Jane has been getting arrested every Friday on the steps of the U.S. Capitol on charges of unlawful demonstration for the past few weeks.
Hanoi Jane claims she plans to get arrested every Friday from now until January to advocate for urgent reduction in the use of fossil fuels.
Jane, I know you desperately want to remain relevant as an American Communist Icon, but I can assure you, your legacy has already been cemented. You are 81 years old, Jane; you can finally let it go.
You have done enough.
Seriously, Jane. Would you be so committed to this cause if we locked you up on Friday and kept you locked up until January? What if we charged you with treason and shipped you off to live in Hanoi?
I mean really, Jane, for my sake and your six other fans in America, just let it go. I know it’s hard to play second fiddle to the younger generation of commies like Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg but the future of communism is in her hands, Jane, let it go.
Jane, we already know the planet will be destroyed in the next 12 years anyway so why not enjoy the time you have left. Jane, you desperately need to find a hobby, this world is full of communist eager to grab that torch of leadership, it’s OK to ride off into the sunset with Hillary Clinton.
Jane, let me sell you some old wheat pennies so that you can start a coin collection or something. Granted I know the words “In God We Trust” on the pennies will offend you, but I know you can get passed that. I worry about you, Jane, it’s time to let it all go.
Seriously, Jane, it’s one thing to get yourself arrested every week from now until January, but last week fellow communist Hollywood actor Sam Waterson was arrested thanks to you. Sam is 78 years old and had a spotless criminal record.
I respect the passion you have for this weekly publicity stunt you have dubbed “Fire Drill Fridays,” but the truth is, Jane, we are just not that into you anymore. You have done more for the American Communist movement than any Hollywood celebrity I know.
You are a legend, Jane, but it’s time to just let go.
Jimmy Parker lives in Erwin. Contact him at email@example.com.