Drinks with Kirsten


I admit it, I cannot watch the national news, but I still enjoy the comedic value of some political campaign ads, especially one I recently saw from Democratic presidential candidate Kirsten Gillibrand that was surely worth a dollar donation. In case you missed it, Sen. Gillibrand recently ran an ad on her campaign website called “Drinks with Kirsten” where a donation of any amount would get you entered into a contest to meet Sen. Gillibrand and have a drink of whiskey with her.

Don’t get me wrong, this old man is no fool, I know Sen. Gillibrand is likely not on my wife’s list of approved women I can meet for drinks, but the ad was so clever I simply couldn’t resist entering the contest. The sheer boldness of the ad alone was worthy of a donation, and I got to thinking.

I like good whiskey, and since I am donating a dollar surely the senator or someone from the campaign will provide the whiskey. Secondly, despite the ad being a little creepy it certainly beats something like, weekend at Bernie’s.

When I first entered the contest website, I immediately began searching for a get hammered with Kirsten option, being as one drink of whiskey is hardly worth my time. With any luck at all, I can get her hammered enough to have an honest conversation with her about her train wreck of a campaign.

If I win the contest, I can suggest we have the drink at my friend Tracy’s house where we can have cold beer on ice, hot dogs on the grill, and maybe take some campaign cash from her at the poker table. She is welcome to invite Elizabeth Warren since she enjoys nothing more than having a cold beer like her fellow ordinary Americans.

Senator, if this campaign goes well maybe you can offer big money donors something along the lines of “Tequila Shots with Kirsten” with the possibility of waking up three days later in a Tijuana jail cell. I have to say, senator, with poll numbers like yours, you have nothing to lose and I’m glad you are finally letting your hair down.

If all else fails, you are welcome to join Jerry and me for breakfast at McDonald’s. We will even let you join us at the Avengers table, but keep in mind all newbies are expected to buy breakfast.

I really admire your spunk, senator, but just in case I’m not the winner of the contest I’m still happy to share with you some free advice.

Senator, it’s just not your time, with 20 or more candidates in the field trying to be Santa Claus it’s going to be impossible for you to separate yourself from the pack. The base of your party just isn’t catching that Marxist Revolutionary vibe when they look at you, senator, and without that, you have no chance.

Bottoms up, senator, hope to see you soon.

Jimmy Parker lives in Erwin. Contact him at jimmyprmg@gmail.com.


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